Dear Character | a short story based off of real life events of a younger self

March 10, 2017

Dear character:

It’s been a while since our interview and your debut is coming up soon by our calculation. We would appreciate if you would fill out the information form we gave you in the packet. Please send it in by the weekend and we’ll contact you about schedules for next week’s sessions.

We all look forward to working with you, especially MC. She’s been pretty excited about it.

Until then,

Your Author

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March 13, 2017

Dear character (or current resident):

We are forwarding our previous message again as you have not answered. If this is the wrong address, please let us know and we will stop spamming you.

Thank you,

Your Author

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March 16, 2017

Character:

Thank you for finally reaching back and sending in the form. It appears as if you forgot to fill it out though. We still need a picture of you and a sentence or two that best describes your character. It’s merely a simple height, and hair and eye color check.

Attached is the form.

Thank you,

Your Author

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March 23, 2017

Character:

You seem to be taking a lot of time responding. We had to shift around schedule because of your speed in reaching back out to us.

“Mysterious and creepy” does not work under every answer and we aren’t paying you to send back snarky responses. All we need from you is to come in and point MC toward the Western Gate. It’s quite simple. You don’t even have to bring a compass, just point in the way we’ll tell you. I’m sure someone who thinks so much of themselves like you can handle it. Or is it too complicated? Huh?

We expect you tomorrow at eight pm after work.

Pick up coffee on the way and I might give you a donut.

Sincerely,

Your Author

yourauthor@herblog.com

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from: The Author <yourauthor@herblog.com>
to: Matthew <thisisthemat@characters.com>
date: March 31, 2017, 10:49 AM
subject: Thank You For Your Service

Character:

Thank you for showing up on set the other day! Since we ran out of time, we’ll just have to work with the short cut scene. There is no need for you to come again.

Please connect with me on bloglovin’.

Your Author

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from: The Author <yourauthor@herblog.com>
to: Matthew <thisisthemat@characters.com>
date: April 5, 2017, 11:30 PM
subject: Re: Thank You For Your Service

Character:

You reached out asking about pay but there must have been some misunderstanding. Did you not read the note on my blog? If you become my character you consent to never hold me accountable for any and all injury or death that will incur, you agree that I write all the rules (magical or practical) for the project, and you promise to rate the book on Amazon when it gets there. As an extra you are not paid, but through bragging rights. Honestly, kid you should feel honored that I picked you to be the moving force in pointing MC in the right direction. Who knows what would happen if you weren’t there, right?

Good day,

Your Author

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from: The Author <yourauthor@herblog.com>
to: Matthew <thisisthemat@characters.com>
date: April 5, 2017, 11:52 PM
subject: Re: Thank You For Your Service

Character, I don’t think you get it. You are an extra. You come in, and then you GO OUT. LEAVE. TA-TA. BYE-BYE

Yeah?

Listen kid, I still reserve the right to inflict whatever injury I see fit to my characters. And who knows what might accidentally happen to a side character when writer’s block comes knocking, yeah? A knife may slip…. a wagon wheel.

Maybe said-character has a big ego and never looks down.

SO HE SLIPS AND HITS HIS THICK SKULL ON A ROCK

Just sayin.

It happens randomly to us all.

Your Author >:)

P.S. There is always another draft.

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from: The Author <yourauthor@herblog.com>
to: Matthew <thisisthemat@characters.com>
date: April 6, 2017, 12:39 AM
subject: re: WHAT IF I SUE YOU

Character,

Thank you for sending your most kindest regards concerning the lawsuit you are writing up, but I promise you that your efforts shall not pay off! How could they?

I’m the Author.

I write the court-hearings.

Most fondly,

Your AUTHOR and amazing BOSS

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from: The Author <yourauthor@herblog.com>
to: Matthew <thisisthemat@characters.com>
date: April 6, 2017, 12:45 AM
subject: re: WHAT IF I SUE YOU

So now you want to duel.

How very cliched.

Oh go jump off a cliff.

Of better yet? Try to save a princess and get captured or something. I’ll gladly provide the prison.

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from: The Author <yourauthor@herblog.com>
to: Matthew <thisisthemat@characters.com>
date: April 6, 2017, 1:05 AM
subject: re: WHAT IF I SUE YOU

Just keep ranting.

Maybe I’ll write it down and use it some day.

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from: The Author <yourauthor@herblog.com>
to: Matthew <thisisthemat@characters.com>
date: April 6, 2017, 1:15 AM
subject: re: WHAT IF I SUE YOU

What? No! Of course I’m not going to make you my next MC!  Where did you get that silly notion?

You want a Pinterest collage too? HA.

Oh go jump off a cliff.

---

from: The Author <yourauthor@herblog.com>
to: Matthew <thisisthemat@characters.com>
date: April 6, 2017, 2:03 AM
subject: re: WHAT IF I SUE YOU

OKAY

Look you’re relay kinda getting annoying here. If I bring you back in with a bigger part will you leave me in peace and stop sending emails??

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from: The Author <yourauthor@herblog.com>
to: Matthew <thisisthemat@characters.com>
date: April 6, 2017, 2:04 AM
subject: re: WHAT IF I SUE YOU

*really, not relay 😛

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from: The Author <yourauthor@herblog.com>
to: Matthew <thisisthemat@characters.com>
date: April 6, 2017, 2:23 AM
subject: re: WHAT IF I SUE YOU

Oh yeah, super fast. A nice change of heart on my end. Of course you shouldn’t be suspicious. I just suddenly felt pity for your lowly being  I MEAN situation and my rudeness. I realized you have potential and it would be thrown into the wind if you jumped off a cliff.

Get it?

Get it??

No need to clap. Oh why thank you. Thank you very much. I would like to thank my family and friends who were all vital in my journey to this one point.

So you’re in?

---

from: The Author <yourauthor@herblog.com>
to: Matthew <thisisthemat@characters.com>
date: April 6, 2017, 2:34 AM
subject: re: WHAT IF I SUE YOU

Look it’s almost 3 in the morning and I’m on my fifth cup of coffee. And to be fair all YOUR great so said amazing jokes come from my brain.

Anyways, I have the perfect part for you.

I had a request from a friend for an arrogant, stuck-up, annoying kid around your age to be the literary representation of her brother (who is writing a story in which he is coming up with pages and pages of ideas of how to kill me as a character) so she can help me torture him.

I think I might go as far as to make him betray everyone and live to regret it and THEN die a miserable death.

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from: The Author <yourauthor@herblog.com>
to: Matthew <thisisthemat@characters.com>
date: April 6, 2017, 2:42 AM
subject: re: WHAT IF I SUE YOU

No, I’m not going to give you that guy’s number. For starters I don’t even have it. Either you help me here or you’re returning to the dusty closet with the plot bunnies and cardboard monsters. Eh? You want that?

Yeah, yeah, you won’t get any flowers and it might be painful, but hey you get to have a epic dramatic last days that will haunt readers for the rest of their days.

Doesn’t that sound like fun??

---

from: The Author <yourauthor@herblog.com>
to: Matthew <thisisthemat@characters.com>
date: April 6, 2017, 2:49 AM
subject: re: WHAT IF I SUE YOU

Awesome. I’ve got to go, but I’ll be back this afternoon to fill you in.

Get some rest.

And try not to fall off a cliff in the meantime.

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from: The Author <yourauthor@herblog.com>
to: Matthew <thisisthemat@characters.com>
date: April 22, 2017, 4:53 PM
subject: re: WHAT IF I SUE YOU

DUDE

What do you think you’re doing?? And where in the world did you get that cloak! I did not give that to you. Give it back! You know what I’m going to never bring sunglasses to your world! Give the cloak back and I might not burn every black cloak in history.

Also, did you even read the game plan??

You’re not suppose to follow her – well you’re suppose to for a little bit but then you go and tell the riders at the inn at the west gate and get your dirty little money bags.

Dude! Get with the program! Scurry and get that money. I don’t care if you don’t like the riders. They have money, so like them. Isn’t that all you care about?

Money. Go for the money. You don’t even like Seth or Nathan. Betray them. Get rid of them.

And get the money.

---

from: The Author <yourauthor@herblog.com>
to: Matthew <thisisthemat@characters.com>
date: April 22, 2017, 4:55 PM
subject: re: WHAT IF I SUE YOU

DUDE

Get a compass. WEST gate. Not east.

Or better yet look for the sun and blind yourself. Maybe then the readers will feel sorry for you.

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from: The Author <yourauthor@herblog.com>
to: Matthew <thisisthemat@characters.com>
date: April 22, 2017, 5:10 PM
subject: re: WHAT IF I SUE YOU

What? Who told you that? Look you need to work on your communication. I’M IN CHARGE. Hear that? I’M THE AUTHOR. Not you.

You’re not hiding from the riders with Ethel. You’re suppose to hunt them out AND GET THE MONEY.

NOW.

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from: The Author <yourauthor@herblog.com>
to: Matthew <thisisthemat@characters.com>
date: April 22, 2017, 5:17 PM
subject: re: WHAT IF I SUE YOU

What? You have other priorities over money now?

Jerk.

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from: The Author <yourauthor@herblog.com>
to: Matthew <thisisthemat@characters.com>
date: April 22, 2017, 5:19 PM
subject: re: WHAT IF I SUE YOU

You know what? Never mind! You help them out but they’ll still hate you anyways. (Ha!) All of them will because you are heartless and insensitive and still a jerk, even if you have priorities beyond money – like hatred for nice people or government officials.

Just you wait and see. You can hope, but it won’t pay off.

We will keep going, but I can see e x a c t l y how this will play out in the next ten chapters.

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from: The Author <yourauthor@herblog.com>
to: Matthew <thisisthemat@characters.com>
date: April 27, 2017, 7:09 PM
subject: re: WHAT IF I SUE YOU

I told you. Don’t start complaining now. This was your idea, remember? Shoulda stuck with the first plan and listened to me.

Fondly,

Your Author 😇

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from: The Author <yourauthor@herblog.com>
to: Matthew <thisisthemat@characters.com>
date: April 28, 2017, 9:34 AM
subject: re: WHAT IF I SUE YOU

Oh I am so not going back. I am enjoying this way too much for that.

Just keep making snarky responses and huffing and rolling your eyes. I could use some more of that.

feeeeed it toooo mee

By the end of this, my readers will want to punch you.

Hehehe, this is awesome.

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from: The Author <yourauthor@herblog.com>
to: Matthew <thisisthemat@characters.com>
date: May 7, 2017, 3:31 PM
subject: re: What happened?

Look, sorry to keep you hanging. Something came up and I was trying to work it out. Turns out I got all the miles wrong between the cities, and have you even read the beginning passages?? They’re terrifyingly cliched and what’s up with Ethel’s drama life? She’s worse than a teenager. And don’t ask me why you haven’t died from starvation and thirst in a desert while everyone else is having a drought and how in the world is the plot suppose to be finished blah blah blah

Besides I was busy running around with Ethel’s brother, doing interesting stuff like throwing knives at benches and burning down inns.

What’s up with all the knives anyways???

Maybe I should get a job at McDonalds or something. 😛

Hey maybe I could get hired to fix all the typos in the driver’s ed course.

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from: The Author <yourauthor@herblog.com>
to: Matthew <thisisthemat@characters.com>
date: May 7, 2017, 3:34 PM
subject: re: What happened?

OH MY GOODNESS

KNIVES

THROWING THEM.

I GOT IT.

I got it, I got it, I got it!!

This is too good.

ALL OF A SUDDEN. Three more scenes and the book is over!?

THIS IS GLORIOUS

Hang in there. (and watch out for the falling rocks when you enter the canyon bahahaha)

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from: The Author <yourauthor@herblog.com>
to: Matthew <thisisthemat@characters.com>
date: May 8, 2017, 5:11 PM
subject: CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES!!!!

Yo man. DID YOU SEE THAT.

In case you missed it:

THE END.

That’s right.

I can’t believed it. I am shivering all over – literally! I can’t sit still. IS THIS A DREAM??

And hey you survived even if you’re a jerk. Happy??

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from: The Author <yourauthor@herblog.com>
to: Matthew <thisisthemat@characters.com>
date: May 8, 2017, 5:17 PM
subject: re: CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES!!!!

I don’t care how many exclamation marks are in the subject title.

I FINISHED MY NOVEL.

😳😱🤩🤪😎🤑🎉😁😁

I am almost tempted to give you a cookie.

Almost.

Wow. We’ve come so far.

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from: The Author <yourauthor@herblog.com>
to: Matthew <thisisthemat@characters.com>
date: May 8, 2017, 5:20 PM
subject: re: CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES!!!!

Well, I’ve got to go. But wow. That was crazy.

I guess this is where we say goodbye. I almost feel sad – no. I can honestly say I feel sad. Well. Another day has passed, another round of tears shed over the events my poor darlings suffer through. (I don’t know if Ethel will ever forgive me. (Or you, but who cares about that part.) And poor, poor Ethan *sniffs* What has he gotten himself into??) And there’s a lot of work to be done. It’s such a mess of a draft, but I’m done.

I’m done.

I’ve grown. I’ve learned.

And I can set it aside and proudly say I have finished a novel. My first full novel ever! No one knows the name of it! But maybe some day I shall return and edit it and give it a title.

Who knows. Only time will tell.

Until then,

Let the music blast.

Very fondly,

Your Author

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from: The Author <yourauthor@herblog.com>
to: Matthew <thisisthemat@characters.com>
date: May 9, 2017, 2:13 PM
subject: Been A While

Heyyyy!

What’s up, dude? Long time huh.

Welp. Lots of busyness and such stuff over here with the celebration ya know and it’s certainly been a while. What 24 hours? Well not quite but almost. Anyways, I look back and it’s crazy to think about it all. How do you like the new house? How’s the pet lizard? All well and fine I hope.

Yeah… So I was uh well. Just wanted to check in.

Your old friend,

The Author

(PS. What’s your opinion on sequels?)